Dear Customer

unnamedCongratulations on your purchase of a BioSynthon product, produced exclusively by BiSyInc! We are certain that you will enjoy many happy and mutually beneficial years of wear from your garment but, to make sure, please do study this information carefully and follow the guidance stringently.

BioSynthon fabric is waterproof, dustproof, colourfast, colour-matching, temperature-adjusting, stain-resistant, crease-resistant, electrically-resistant, stab and bullet proof, flame retardant and SPF 100. If worn in an extreme situation, e.g. in the presence of a large-scale explosion, discolouration may occur. However, do not fear! Your garment IS self-repairing. We ask that you hang it in a cool, dark environment (but see below) for 24 hours before contacting our customer-care line.

Do not be alarmed if your BioSynthon garment appears to be the wrong size. One size fits all! Simply put it on, and its overlapping scale structure will adapt to your body shape to produce the most flattering fit possible. Please note: the fabric may appear thicker on very small individuals, due to the closeness of the overlapping sections. Larger individuals are advised to give some thought to their underwear.

Your BioSynthon fabric will breathe. Literally. It is made of living cells which respire. BioSynthon makes use of sweat, carbon dioxide from your skin and dead skin cells to maintain itself (if irritation occurs, discontinue use immediately). Like all living things it also excretes, however do not worry – it simply produces small amounts of a non-toxic, odourless gas. Although this gas is harmless, it is flammable. We recommend that you keep your wardrobe well-ventilated and avoid naked flames (your garment will not burn, but nearby objects might).

We also recommend that you wear your BioSynthon garment regularly in order to keep it well-fed. Failure to do so may have unintended consequences. We also suggest that you do not hang it too close to other polypeptide-based fabrics such as wool, silk and cotton, as it may digest them (synthetic fibres are fine).

DO NOT WASH BioSynthon. It is self-cleaning.

DO NOT IRON BioSynthon. It is crease-resistant.

DO NOT BLEACH. It doesn’t like it.

Note: BioSynthon fabric is grown from cell cultures here on Earth. The parent Martian cells were carefully screened for all traces of viral contamination, and we have a rigorous quality control process. Your product is completely safe!

(BiSyInc accepts no responsibility for personal injury or damage to personal effects caused by failure to follow these guidelines.)


Author’s notes
This piece came out of a challenge to write something inspired by the photo at the top of the page. I thought it looked like it could be fabric, but on its own that would’ve been too obvious. So I took a slightly sideways approach – this obviously isn’t a story as such, but it is (I hope!) a bit of fun.


© Kat Day 2016

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8 thoughts on “Dear Customer

    1. I did start one, but then I leaned a lot more about writing and realised it was pretty terrible, lol! But I do intend to try again. I have good ideas for some characters, I think. It’s just finding time – I’m writing a lot of non-fiction at the moment. Good to know I’d have at least one reader, though! 😂

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